My friend slave2MN put up a terrific post on Irene Boss's board "The Scene" entitled "What Have You Learned From BDSM?". I am re-posting it here along with my reply. I would love to hear what others have to say on this subject.
SLAVE2MN:
Tis the season for reflection. In that spirit, i was thinking about how BDSM has influenced me. These are a few things that the lifestyle has taught me:
1. Selflessness-i have learned that putting someone's needs, wants, and desires before mine can be an extremely rewarding experience.
2. Tolerance-There are some kinks that i just don't get. However, i have learned that they are just as important to those who indulge in said kinks as mine are to me. As a result, i have learned not to judge but to embrace other people's kinks (even it i don't practice them myself).
3. Patience-Waiting may be the hardest part but anticipation can often intensify the experience!
4. Self awareness-i have learned to embrace my kink as a part of who i am. As a result, i am more comfortable in my own skin and a happier individual
What has BDSM taught Y/you?
Respectfully,
slave2MN
_________________________
You know I'll always be your slave
Till I'm dead and buried in my grave-Sam Cooke
HMP:
Hi slave2MN:
What a terrific list! I can relate to all four of your points.
1) In the beginning D/s and BDSM were all about me. I was very much a "do me" sub. Serving a pro I discovered that I had a sincere desire to be of service and please my Mistress. I learned that being a client! I then took that knowledge back to my relationship at home and put it to good use!
2) I find the lack of tolerance in the world and even in the loosely structured BDSM community truly astounding sometimes! Of course if you want to change the world the first step is changing yourself. Part of my journey has been to silence the judgmental voices inside my head.
3) Patience! Wow! That's a big one. Learning to be patient in a lifestyle relationship can be quite a challenge. Things don't always go where I want them to or happen on the time table I would like. Since I have asked Her Majesty to drive the car I can't very well start grabbing the wheel! We will go where we are going and we will get there when we get there. Boy have I struggled with that one!
4) Self acceptance is huge. That's the part where I have to speak with others in the community, especially my submissive brethren to remind myself I am not alone. Since Her Majesty does not want to socialize with others in the lifestyle that usually means blogging or posting on bulletin boards like this one.
Photos: Mistress Catarina courtesy of http://sado-ladies.com
6 comments:
Number 3 is a big one. Though I have had some BDSM elements in my life, it only recently began turning into a real lifestyle and I am very impatient. It will take some serious effort to get this under control.
Good Post.
Thanks Odin. Patience in an FLR/D/s relationship has been very challenging for me. I have learned not to push because that gets exactly the opposite results to what I intend. Best to let your desires be known then turn everything over to the one you love. I have found it works best to seduce a woman into dominance. Make her laugh. Make it fun. Nothing is more damaging to your cause than getting angry or pathetic and saying; "look I really NEED this!!" Even if it's true! ;-)
Thanks for your post. Good to hear from you!
If I have learned one thing in my very limited experience is that we start out by serving the one that we love, and end up loving the one that we serve.
We want to serve the object of our adoration, because we love her. But the funny thing is that a man can't truly serve without learning to love, so the more we serve, the more we love, and the more we love, the more we desire to serve. The one feeds upon the other in a wonderful spiral of joy.
Hi vs-boy:
Thanks for sharing that! That was really beautiful! :-) I agree that the cycle of love and service is a self perpetuating one that grows deeper over time. That is a wonderful way of looking at it!
Maybe I am missing the point, or the question was ill posed. “What have you learned from BDSM?” I have not read the posting, so maybe I am ill informed. Still, “BDSM”, having various interpretations, generally do not elicit warm feelings. Just do an Internet search on “BDSM” and you will know what I mean. The letters in BDSM imply some or more of bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, masochism, master, mistress, etc. None are classroom, boardroom, or coffee table subjects without a lot of previously consumed alcohol. In a few words, BDSM is narrow and deep. It is meant to hurt someone with or without consent.
The scenario of BDSM narrows any avenue of “learning” to what I might keep in mind in everyday life: Do not trust anyone over whom you don’t have control. As much as I like BDSM in my bedroom, in general, it requires prophylactics so to speak.
If a person who posted the “What have you learned from BDSM?” were talking about submission to a worthy dominant person, then I would begin to understand the sentiment. So, what was it? BDSM, or submission? They are not the same!
Hi SP:
I agree the question is very open ended. Surprised my friend did not receive more varied answers. I expected to hear everything from "I learned to tie a bitching knot!" to "I discovered the meaning of life".
It's true that the question was asked from a submissive perspective and mostly answered by other submissives. The dominant perspective was mostly missing, though one Mistress replied that she had learned "patience". The original post was on a bulletin board dedicated to pro domination so there were some responses from professional dominants. They were perhaps not as candid as they might have been because pros are very image conscious in my experience and are usually (but not always) involved in some form of marketing when they post publicly. It would have been really interesting to hear experienced pros share honestly about everything they have learned working in the industry. I am sure some of them can read a prospective client's sexual fantasies within 30 seconds after he walks through the door. "Penny loafers, white socks and a nervous twitch. Better break out the adult diapers and the grown up size crib!"
You said that by definition BDSM "is meant to hurt someone with or without consent." On this we disagree. Folks who engage in BDSM usually do so with a consenting partner. There are some who enjoy staging a scene that appears to be non consensual (no safeword scenes for example) but that usually takes a lot of negotiating and planning up front which is by definition consent. When you talk about hurting someone without their consent you are talking about assault. That is very different than BDSM which is supposed to be an activity enjoyed by both sides of the D/s equation.
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