Today is a day of service for me. Her Majesty had oral surgery on Friday. I am still taking care of her. Friday I took the day off from work, escorted her to the appointment and waited. I took her home, filled her prescriptions, cooked her scrambled eggs (which I brought to her in bed) and administered her pain pills and antibiotics. Since then I have been waiting on her and being her nurse maid. These acts of service certainly do not have to be viewed through the prism of D/s. It is something any loving husband should do for his wife.
While web surfing in the waiting room I stumbled upon an interesting post by an acquaintance of mine on Max and Fetlife. Apparently he is looking for an “owner”. He wants to serve a prodomme but he is going through a lean period so he can’t afford to pay even for an introductory session.
I was mystified by his decision to relegate his search only to pros. Granted there is a certain romance and mystique to professional domination. Many of these ladies certainly have great expertise in BDSM play. Unfortunately much like professional chefs who don’t want to cook when they get home, the last thing many of these ladies want to do is play after a hard day at the “office”.
Some of the pros who answered his post stated they would be open to having a personal slave but that the sub in question would have to be genuinely helpful and could not expect any play in return. Most of them already had a significant other so there would be no possibility of romance developing from the arrangement. Does he really want a service oriented relationship with a professional dominant in exchange for no play and no romance?
What he really wants is to be the alpha slave of a prodomme as well as her lover. He achieved this status with a prodomme at one point in his life so his desire to repeat the experience is understandable. But it’s a pretty tall order to ask lightening to strike in the same place twice. When I spoke to him he told me it was simply a matter of preference and of course his preferences are none of my business. He is a good guy, well liked by many in the pro scene and probably has a better chance of fulfilling his quest than most in his position would.
His post was certainly thought provoking. Some of the resulting conversations suggest an interesting connection between service and play. Is there a quid pro quo implied? It’s not as explicit as the one in a paid client relationship but there do seem to be parallels. No matter how much a sub sincerely desires to serve in the end he also wants to be played with. I don’t think there are many subs out there who find ultimate satisfaction doing laundry and scrubbing floors without also receiving some “special attention” from Mistress. In fact most men can’t do laundry or scrub floors to begin with or do it poorly in order to purposely insight “punishment”. Hence the lament from pros that hoards of time wasters offer them “service oriented submission” when what they really want is free play time.
I was struck by some of the replies to his post. The Dommes were extremely kind and supportive. One invited him over for coffee. Others offered him tough love and told him in plain English that he was barking up the wrong tree. Some of the clients who responded were less polite. Predictably they dragged him down to their level, viewing his search through the only prism they can understand; that of a paying customer in a strip club. Why should he get a lap dance for free when they are not entitled to receive the same service? Money for services rendered is the only language many of them understand.
You get a lot of great things seeing a pro; expertise, wonderful toys, awesome outfits, beauty, intelligence and sometimes even friendship. But one thing you generally don’t find with a pro is love.
I don’t believe anyone gets to have it all. I made a choice. Much of my life is spent in service not just to my wife but to my family as a whole. I am playing nurse to Her Majesty this weekend. We will both be doing the same for our son in two weeks when he has oral surgery. Her Majesty and I have spent hours trying to fill out forms for financial aid which are so complex contractors are often hired to help in the process. Today I am taking my mother to lunch just as I do every weekend like clockwork. Next weekend we are taking her to the theater. I am sure it will be fun but some of the logistics may prove complicated. Many of life’s logistics seem to be overly complicated these days. Nevertheless this is the life I have chosen. It is certainly not always sexy but there is a lot of love in it. Believe me when I say it is not the perfect BDSM fantasy most of the time.
I looked for love in the pro scene and found it sorely lacking. Folks have suggested I can have my cake and eat it too but I have serious doubts about that. I would prefer to roll with the punches compromise where I have to and remain an honest and faithful husband to Her Majesty.
Mistress Wynter (bless her heart) wrote a reply to a post long since deleted from this blog. I found it the other day when going through my e-mail. I think it sums up my experience to a tee and speaks directly to clients who make the mistake of seeking love in the pro scene.
“hmp, I'm so glad that your marriage worked out and that you came through a bad experience almost unscathed. But your experience is unique to you. You sought out professional Domination a sad and broken man in a marriage that had lost it's kink. You found a dungeon, not a Mistress. The stated purpose of that dungeon was branding itself in the public eye and weaving a pretty tale of female domination. It did that very well. Lots of people believed the hype. I'm sorry that you were one of them. I'm sorry that you were hurt by it. But your dungeon experience does not define nor explain the relationship between a Mistress and her subs. It explains the relationship between a business and it's clients.
If you are looking for love, don't start the conversation by opening your wallet. That goes in all walks of life, not just ours. “ – Mistress Wynter
Illustrations by Sardax
8 comments:
Did you post this a few days ago, and then delete it?
For different medical reasons than for Her Majesty, I've been a "home health care nurse" for The Party of the Second Part. As you point out, however much we're undertaking service of them it's purely what any husband would/should do, not part of submitting at all.
Also agree that the person you're talking about is "looking for love in all the wrong places." This isn't to say a Professional Lady is barred from having a "regular" romance when off-duty; sometimes with a completely dayworld partner, sometimes incorporating what you and I have in our marriages. But very few Professional Ladies are seeking such a relationship among their clientele; if a man wants to be owned in a non-professional sense than he should be looking for non-professional lifestyle women.
Hi Ron:
Yes I posted this on Friday then deleted it yesterday. I made a bunch of changes this morning and re-posted it again today. I really struggled with this one. It brought up a lot of different thoughts and feelings I wanted to discuss. Many of them I was unsure quite how to articulate. Not sure I achieved what I wanted to and it's about 3 times longer than I would have liked but I gave it my best shot! ;-)
I think a love connection is very difficult to make anywhere. Kink or vanilla everyone at some point in their lives is looking for that spark.
Paying for sessions is not a sound strategy for finding a kinky girlfriend. Not completely impossible but "opening the wallet" reduces your chances of an actual "date" - whatever that is.
However, lots of prodommes are lifestyle friendly and active. There's for sure cross over. For example, I've met prodommes I could session with at literary readings. Just because she's a pro doesn't mean she wouldn't go out with me. But it would be unwise for me to say "I want to date a prodomme". I want to find a connection.
I saw the thread you wrote about. I actually thought that the level of discourse on Max reflected in that thread was quite good.
Hi Advo:
So I guess when you see a pro at one of these social functions you can either ask her for a session or ask her out on a date. Depending on which option you choose you embark on one of two very different paths. And never the twain shall meet. Specifically once she sees you as a client your chances of being anything else in her eyes are greatly reduced.
We are all seeking a connection and some would say never more so than when we seek a potential partner with whom to explore our kink. Finding a love connection is very tough I agree. When you mix the kinky stuff in it gets about 100 times harder! Very difficult to find someone where feelings and desires are mutual and reciprocated on both sides. Even when you find it people change over time. There is no guarantee that because a relationship is in synch today it will be in synch tomorrow. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of hard work to make any relationship work over the long haul. That goes triple for a kinky one.
Seeing a pro seems like the “easy” solution. There is still a connection in that scenario but the connection is very one sided. Really it’s all about the client’s individual journey and the Domme is more of a teacher or a guide than she is a partner. When you open your wallet you make a choice and the mutual reciprocity kind of goes out the window. There is some illusion involved as well. When the client “falls in love” it is more with his ideal of the perfect Domme than it is with a real person on the other end of the whip. It can be a tricky situation as you and I have discussed before. There are a lot of subtle nuances to it.
As to the specific discussion I thought it was a mixed bag. I found the responses of the dommes extremely interesting and varied. Regardless of whether they agreed with the op’s approach they handled him with kid gloves and were extremely courteous and polite. Some of the clients were fine too but others were downright offensive. Here is one especially extreme example:
“Give me a fucking break. Seriously? Why would any woman put with your drivel and presence for free when other men are willing to pay for her time? You sound like a freeloader to me. Most of these women are here to get paid. They’re taking their skills to market to trade for hard currency. Not some spineless man to follow them around.
Hard times fall on us all. Use this time to focus on you rather than giving away your time for free. The women you seek to serve have learned this lesson well and live it to the fullest. They all make fun of you when you’re not around.”
Even if he had some legitimate points was it really necessary to beat the op over the head with a tire iron? Jeez!
Some people sink to a lowest possible denominator. It was always true there on that board and always will be. It's sort of why I've pretty much stopped posting.
I don't think seeing a pro and paying her is the "easy way". It's a different way. It's nice to get all your fantasies explored and hopefully fullfilled. It is, however, looking for "love" in a probably wrong place.
At this stage of my life I'm beginning to believe that no one relationship will suffice to meet all of my desires or needs. The thing I like best about being single is the single part. I wonder if I'd really ever find the one true one - even if I were more available to pursue such a connection.
I'm coming to believe that I'm just not there or in a place to even look for that. While I've been there done that with paying for play, I don't have the time or availability to offer much on my end to a lifestyle committment. Even the most casual of playmates presents a serious time/energy conundrum.
I also understand the desire to look for a submissive, non pay to play thing with a prodomme. Nice, smart, experienced pros or former pros just knock it out of the park on attitude and knowledge.
I wasn't sure the poster on Max was necessarily "looking for love". I thought he was more looking for connected service. I think if I look to please a partner, instead of looking to get my needs met, if there is a connection, I like to think she'd naturally want to reciprocate.
You pay a pro for a service - you can't buy her love, affection, friendship, or adoration. She gives that for free.
Hi Advo:
Awesome response as usual. So many rich themes in there. So many possible things to discuss. I will try not to wander too far off course! ;-)
On your first point I absolutely agree. I have taken a huge step back from that online community. It seems to be getting a little more civilized lately but the bullshit usually comes in cycles.
Excellent point about no one relationship meeting all of your needs. I have struggled with that myself though I have chosen to put all of my eggs in one basket. When things are good they are great! When not so good I have to be flexible, compromise and take the long view of things. I have decided what it is really important to me and I am sticking to my guns. Relationships are very time consuming. You are primarily involved with caring for your wife at this point and I respect you a lot for that. You probably don't have enough time to give a new relationship the attention it deserves. I am glad She Who Visits is still in the picture. She sounds perfect for where you are at right now.
I think prodommes vary widely and I take them on an a case by case basis. Some are great people who I respect a lot. Others not so much. Certainly they have more expertise with BDSM play than most women. BDSM is their profession after all. I think we can both agree it would be very limiting to make them the sole focus of one's search for a romantic connection.
I am slightly more cynical about pro domination than I was when I took the long walk up those dungeon stairs for the first time. That said I have to take some responsibility for the part I played in my own story. I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage when I sought comfort with a prodomme. I projected a lot of unresolved feelings about Her Majesty onto her and that was in no way her fault. I think they call that the "rebound effect". I was not aware I was doing it at the time. Hopefully I have learned from my mistakes. I would like to think that I would never repeat that stupid human trick again. In a hypothetical universe of course! ;-)
Can it be that we have both come to a point where we realize there are more important things in life than getting our subbie desires satisfied? Nah! Must be that low T I always hear about! ;-)
I am sure I don't have to tell you to do all that your mistress needs. You are well motivated already.
About this person who wants to serve a professional, I think that he is a schmuck. He has not formed a relationship with a real person, so a "professional" is the only thing left for him. He should get a life, and you might consider ignoring him. There are men who are really not worth to serve women at all. He may be one.
Hi SP:
Ouch. A harsh judgment to be sure! But then he has received a lot of that for expressing his preference for dating pros on a certain bulletin board. A slew of satirical posts were spawned by that one eventually ending up in one that was completely over the top; "Dating a Retired Pro Domme who is nearly Deceased";
http://www.maxfisch.com/thehang/showthreaded.php?Cat=2,3,4&Board=discuss&Number=1551522&page=&view=&sb=&o=
He is not a friend. Barely an acquaintance. I felt a little badly for him because he took it on the chin pretty hard for expressing what was in his opinion merely a personal preference but seemed to many others positively delusional.
I think his folly is based on a set of misconceptions. First people assume that just because a pro does BDSM for a living it is also something she wants to do in her private life. I think that's pretty hit or miss. ProDommes may prefer vanilla sex or being on the bottom after a hard day at the office. I work in Information Technology and I have a hard fast rule about not working on anyone's computer during my free time.
Some pros are genuinely kinky and lifestyle oriented but they generally have a line of subs out the door so the odds are not very good that any one of those hopeful slaves will be chosen to be "the one" alpha sub. Other prodommes may enjoy their job but look at it as just that; "a job". The last thing they want to do is beat another butt at the end of their shift at the local dungeon.
Men are sometimes drawn by what they perceive as the romantic mystery of the pro-domination industry or simply by the novelty of dating a dominatrix. The appeal of that is mostly based on illusion. Anyone who has spent any time around that industry realizes there is very little mysterious or romantic about it. While I like certain prodommes and am friends with certain clients I don't think the industry as a whole is very attractive when looked at closely in the cold light of day. At least it isn't to me based on what I have seen and experienced.
Post a Comment