Tuesday, November 17, 2009

FemDom Paradigms: Dominatrix Vs. FLR


Over time I have discovered there are different ways of approaching femdom relationships. For the purposes of argument I will break these approaches into two paradigms that reside on opposite ends of the spectrum.

The Dominatrix model is based on acting out fantasies of female domination. It centers on individual scenes that are brief but intense. In this model the submissive acts out his deepest, darkest fantasies in hopes of achieving the catharsis often referred to as “subspace”. When playtime is over, Mistress and slave step out of their assigned roles and once again return to “real life”.The Dominatrix model is based on role play and fantasy fulfillment. Ironically I have heard subs share that they only feel truly themselves when in session. For them acting like a normal person living in the real world is tantamount to role play.



The dominatrix model is sometimes characterized by precipitous ups and downs for the submissive. After a session the sub may feel briefly elated only to experience an emotional crash known as “subdrop” shortly thereafter. In between sessions there are long stretches of time akin to purgatory when the submissive must pretend he is something other than what he is. Deprived of his Mistress's company and forced to behave like one of the normal folk the sub must wait until the next session before he can reconnect with his submissive core. Though not all subs experience this emotional roller coaster ride many do, especially if they can only see Mistress during playtime. I suffered from acute subdrop when I served a professional domina.






















The FLR model is very different from the Dominatrix model, though they share certain fundamental characteristics. I like to think of them as cousins. The primary defining factor in an FLR is loving service provided by the submissive to the dominant. The wishes of the female dominant are paramount in an FLR. There may or may not be kinky sex involved. Brief, intense sessions where the sub achieves catharsis are not the primary goal of the relationship. Instead an FLR is characterized by continuity. Service on the part of the male is expected and D/s roles are maintained on an ongoing basis.

Activities that might be considered "play" in the Dominatrix model are sometimes used to correct behavior in an FLR. Corporal punishment may be more severe for example, applied in such a way that the submissive does not find it enjoyable. Less erotic and altogether unpleasant punishments may also be used to bring the submissive to heel. Sex in an FLR is usually under the strict control of the female dominant. She often dictates the frequency with which her male sub is allowed to orgasm and uses this as a highly effective means of controlling his behavior.



In an FLR the sub achieves satisfaction from loving, serving and obeying his Mistress. A sub's reward in an FLR is the knowledge that he belongs to his Mistress and is under her strict but loving control. Since the relationship is ongoing the sub maintains a constant emotional bond with his Mistress and does not usually experience dramatic swings in his emotional state brought on by her absence or by having to lead a double life.

These are not absolutes. Every relationship is different. Many FemDom relationships incorporate parts of both of paradigms. Her Majesty and I practice a hybrid of the Dominatrix and the FLR models. I serve her to the best of my ability on an ongoing basis. I know she genuinely loves me and cares for me. She controls our sexual relationship including the frequency with which I am allowed to orgasm. At the same time I need to be played with and she knows this. Thus she incorporates whipping and other BDSM activities into our relationship as a special treat. (Yes I know! I really am so darn lucky!) I do not experience subdrop with Her Majesty because our relationship is characterized by continuity. My time in between sessions is taken up with providing her loving service, worshiping and adoring her.

Please don't listen to the fundamentalists. There is no right or wrong way to do this. For those who want to totally separate kink from their everyday lives the dominatrix model might be perfect. For those who do not desire kinky sex but have a sincere desire to serve a pure FLR would probably be the best choice. I can only tell you what has worked for me.

Illustrations by Fred Winter, Alazar, Sardax, Namio Harukawa and Gene Bilbrew courtesy of the Museum Of FemDom Art

12 comments:

BOB said...

MR HMP

Great post!

Your last paragraph reminds me of the advice that hikers give you on the Appalachian Trail .

"Hike your own hike"

In other words ,hike at the speed that you feel comfortable with.

hoodman said...

I apologize right now that I didn't really your blog, but I'm curious where you get your pictures I see some sardax and namio but what else.

advochasty said...

Been "otherwise engaged" and have missed my reading!

Great post.

Even the two different models you've identified have so many variations to them one cannot possibly begin to catagorize.

I like your live and let live message!

Giles English said...

That's brilliantly articulated. As a non-scene person, I've always found it confusing when people, e.g., advocate *not* punishing the sub because that's what they want.

I'm drawn to lifestyle rather than scene, but I prefer to only visit that lifestyle for an evening or a weekend.

In other words I enjoy authentic female led interaction (classical slavery), rather than roleplay.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Giles:

Thanks very much! Yeah I never got that either. To some extent D/s should be about having fun and everybody getting what they want. As with anything the fundamentalists spoil the party by insisting everything has to be a certain way and being intolerant of others. We are complex beings and our variety is infinite. In the kink community the watch words should be "live and let live".

Many thanks for your post! :)

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo!

Great to see you bro! Yeah I thought it was something like that. I won't say I haven't missed your input cause I have. I hope all is well and that at least some of things occupying your time are fun and kinky!

Thanks very much! :) Yes there are infinite varieties and possibilities out there. Over time I have discovered there are different ways of getting to where I need to be. Now when a door closes I open a window.

Inflexibility and fundamentalism are the hobgoblins of simple minds. Like I said to Giles "Live and Let Live" should be the watch words for kinky folk like us! ;-)

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Hoodman:

No apologies necessary! I get all my pics from the Museum Of FemDom Art. I have a link to their site in my "Like Minded Travelers" section. They have some great stuff! Lots of artists I had never heard of before.

Thanks for your post! Always great to hear from you! :)

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Bob:

Thanks very much! Great analogy!

There there are many different schools of thought out there regarding kink and female domination. We should never get hung up on what we "should" be doing. Rather we should choose from the rich palette laid before us and decide with our partner(s) what feels good and seems right to us. It is up to us to decide what we are comfortable with. Take what you need and leave the rest I say! ;-)

Peter Kneels said...

You made and informative and sound distinction between Dominatrix vs FLR. Good effort!

The FLR also normally requires a more extensive financial relationship between the Domme and sub. The two are often married, and often the Wife "controls" the finances.

Your inclusion of love, romance, deep affection, and worship is also very important in an FLR. We think of "Loving Female Authority" as Ms. Sutton described. Many a Dominatrix is a very effective BDSM Top, but mutual love is not really part of the relationship.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Thanks Peter! I very much agree with your comments.

It is true that in many FLRs the wife controls the finances. Her Majesty and I prefer to maintain a more egalitarian approach to the financial aspect of our relationship. I'm pretty sure if I suggested turning my paycheck directly over to her she wouldn't complain though! What wife would? ;-) One lifestyle female dominant I know actually has power of attorney over her husband.

Love, romance, deep affection, and worship are definitely important factors for us. I would seek these in any FemDom relationship I was involved with. I was also very influenced by Ms. Sutton's books and agree with much of her depiction of the ideal FemDom relationship.

It is quite true that mutual love is not usually part of a relationship with a professional Dominant. I tried incorporating "love, romance, deep affection, and worship" into a relationship with a professional Dominatrix once. She admitted to me that she very much enjoyed the adoration and said she "would never tell me stop". Unfortunately the relationship was very one sided and in the end I ended up getting my heart broken. Oh well. Live and learn. I make it my policy never to get bitten by the same dog twice! ;-)

You made some excellent points here! Always great to hear from you and many thanks for your post!:-)

Aarkey said...

Great stuff HMP. For a minute there I was starting to wonder. Stuff like "Brief, intense sessions where the sub achieves catharsis are not the primary goal of the relationship." Without your clarifications in the closing half could be misconstrued.

Though my wife and I don't have an FLR dynamic, we both enjoy the release that 'session' play brings us, regardless of who is on which side of the paddle. Either way, I think you definitely nailed many aspects of the emotional side for these two sides of the D/s play.

Though I think the word "Dominatrix" isn't quite accurate without "Pro" being used as a qualifier for what you are talking about.

Then again... maybe your experience wasn't just regarding the pro dynamic at all - and that's just how my experience and yours differs.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Thanks Aarkey! :-) I tried to be as fair minded as I possibly could and not dictate a preference for one approach over the other. In reality you can mix whichever components you like from either model into your own delicious FemDom cocktail. You and your partner get to decide what you like and leave the rest.

From what you describe you and your S.O. switch. That is fabulous! That is exactly the type of relationship I had with D. We took turns topping each other. When we "sessioned" we came up with elaborate story lines and characters. When we role played it was very much like theater. Acting out my fantasies with her was amazing!! The rest of the time our relationship was totally egalitarian. When we weren't playing we were simply lovers and best friends. It was great!! Sure nobody was a 24/7 Mistress or Master but so what? That type of relationship works really well and can be deeply satisfying for both people involved! Bottoms can make great tops because we know exactly what we like! ;-)

Yes you're right. Although my Dominatrix model applied to both pro and lifestyle a lot of the specifics (like only being able to see Mistress during playtime and experiencing subdrop in between sessions) really only apply to a relationship with a professional dominant.

Thanks very much for your feedback! I am glad you could relate! :-)