Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Subbie Hubbie Survival Guide

You’re a submissive male who wants to be happily married, preferably to his Mistress. You want all the normal things most human beings want; love, friendship, companionship, a family but you are also kinky to your core. You might choose to change this about yourself if you could but you know you can’t. Are you destined to lead a double life? Must you deny yourself the satisfactions of love and companionship in order to fulfill powerful sexual desires that seem impossible to ignore? Must you seek release and satisfaction with a professional service provider only to slink guiltily home to your wife and family after briefly experiencing nirvana? Is it possible to explore your kink within the structure of a loving relationship?

Having struggled with many of these questions, I have come to believe that it is possible to explore kink within the context of a loving marriage. Mind you I did not say that it was easy only that it was possible. I have followed this path for a long time and I have made many mistakes along the way. There have been many pitfalls and obstacles to overcome. At times I have proven to be my own worst enemy. I have unwittingly exhibited attitudes and behaviors that have prevented me from obtaining that which I most desire. I have learned a great deal from my mistakes and from the obstacles I have had to confront. Many years of being a subbie hubbie have left me with some observations and guidelines for living that have helped me improve my situation and my outlook on life. I would like to share some of them with you in the hope that they can benefit you as well. Of course it goes without saying that we are all unique individuals and your perspective on this subject may be radically different than mine. I have done my best to write about what I have discovered through personal experience. Your mileage may vary.

1) Establish sexual compatibility early. It is best to bring up your submissive, sexually kinky desires when you are first dating not after you tie the knot. Although you don’t want to bring up your kink on the first date it is best to take the plunge once you know the relationship is serious and before you take the final step of asking for her hand in marriage. Tell her about your fantasies. If her initial response is shock or disgust chances are good that you will not be able to change her mind. If she is intrigued, however, you may have a shot. Explore your fantasies with her in a fun, non-pressured manner. Find out what she likes and what she doesn’t like. The early stages of a relationship, when sexual passion is fresh and at its peak, is usually the best time to initiate sexual experimentation.

2) Is she naturally dominant by nature? No matter what you do you cannot change someone’s fundamental personality. Being dominant does not necessarily mean she dreams of dressing in leather and whipping her lovers with a riding crop. It probably does mean that she likes to take the lead in relationships and call the shots. It may also mean she likes to be worshipped, pampered and adored. Traits other men might find distasteful like being bossy, domineering or bitchy may be clues that she is exactly who you are looking for! (Just don’t complain twenty years later when she is giving you precise and exacting instructions about how to clean the bathroom tiles! Keep in mind that you married a dominant woman for better or worse!

3) Keeping the kink alive can be a challenge over the long haul. Even if you establish early on that your partner is dominant by nature and open to play there is no guarantee that her interest will continue unabated over the course of the relationship. Chances are there will be ups and downs in her level of interest. A kinky relationship has peaks and lulls just like a vanilla relationship. Your desires may increase while hers subside. She may even become bored with D/s and lose interest completely over time. It may require effort on your part to keep the kink in your relationship alive. There are no easy answers to this. Just be prepared to accept the challenge. The first key to solving any problem is to acknowledge that it exists.

4) Never underestimate the value of selfless service. A D/s relationship is not just about you getting your sexual fantasies fulfilled. If your partner is dominant by nature and you are truly submissive much can be gained by pampering her and catering to her needs and whims whenever you have the opportunity. Bring her breakfast in bed. Give her massages and foot rubs. Buy her champagne and flowers. Perform household chores enthusiastically and without complaint. Let her take the lead in the relationship and make decisions for both of you without fighting to take back control. Never treat her with disrespect or condescension. Try your very best to obey her and not to argue. If you really disagree with her about something important be honest but bring up your point of view in the most non-confrontational and respectful manner possible. Let her know she is the center of your world and that no other woman can hold a candle to her. Worship and adore her. This is a mind set you must develop over time. If you do you will find that it pays tremendous dividends.

5) Never use guilt to get what you want. Nothing is more destructive to sexual desire than guilt. Nothing kills passion more completely. While making her feel guilty may occasionally help you get your needs met in the short term it will ultimately be self-defeating. It will turn her off to play completely over time.

6) Forget about staying in your D/s roles 24/7. If you are in a marriage there are many times when it will simply not be possible to maintain strict D/s protocol. Let it go. Realize that D/s should be part of your relationship not its sum total. To have a healthy marriage you must be flexible and have the ability to go with the flow. Fundamentally you are equals and you must be emotionally supportive of each other. There will be times when she will need you to be the strong one in the relationship. There will be times when you will be called upon to make important decisions for both of you. There will be times when she feels weepy and needs your shoulder to cry on. Husband and wife should be best friends and life partners first and foremost. Having a healthy, well balanced marriage should always come first.

7) Beware of being constantly needy and always in submissive mode. This will irritate her profoundly and eventually cause her to lose interest in role play all together. The D/s part of your relationship should be fun for both parties involved and never a chore.

8) Ask for what you want. Don’t expect her to read your mind. Be positive and upbeat about your requests. At times it may help to approach the subject of play humorously. Laughter is always a great ice breaker! At other times you may have to be subtle and suggestive. It will help a great deal if you learn the art of seducing her into dominance. By all means be sensitive to her moods. But do ask her for what you want and need. It is important that your submissive needs are met if you are going to be happy. If you have been open and honest with her from the beginning about what you need and who you really are she will understand.

9) Patience is a virtue. While it is important that your needs be met it is unreasonable to expect they will always be fulfilled exactly when you wish them to be. In a marriage D/s play often involves careful planning, especially if you have children. Be patient and mature about this and look at the big picture. Accept that there will be times when play simply isn’t possible and other times when something will come up to spoil even the most carefully laid plans. Never sulk or become disgruntled when your expectations are thwarted. Forget about small, short term disappointments and move on.

10) Learn to compromise. Play in a marriage is unlikely to be as limitless and fancy free as it might be in a commercial dungeon. Learn what your partner’s limitations are and accept them. Even in a professional situation it is likely that your service provider will have limitations. Limitations are different for everyone. There are many scenarios that are simply not possible to act out in your private life. Be honest about what you truly need to be happy and don’t chase after desires you can’t reasonably expect your partner to fulfill. If you desire corporal punishment, Goddess worship and dildo play, for example, you are probably more likely to find satisfaction than you would be if you need to act out complex medical scenarios (unless your wife is a nurse) or intricate suspension bondage (unless your wife is a trapeze artist or a sailor).

11) Don’t expect that she will always get the same charge out of participating in your favorite activities as you do. Chances are there will be certain activities she very much enjoys and others she does primarily because she knows you enjoy them. It is worth noting that dominants often enjoy what they do because they know full well the effect they are having on their submissive partner. She may enjoy a particular activity because of the adoration and devotion it engenders in you or because of the powerful control it gives her over you. She may enjoy an activity simply because she loves you and she knows she is making you profoundly happy. Either way it is nothing to be overly concerned about. Just accept that she is fulfilling your deepest and most heartfelt desires and never forget to show her how grateful you are.

12) Cultivate your taste for vanilla with chocolate sprinkles. Combine D/s play with vanilla sex. This opens up a whole world of sexual satisfaction for both partners. Most clients of professional service providers would love to have sexual privileges granted by their dominants. What submissive does not dream of orally servicing his Mistress and giving her sexual pleasure? Chances are slim that you will be granted such privileges as the client of a professional Mistress. As a loving husband, however, such sexual servitude is welcomed and even expected! This is where you as a married guy should feel like the cat that ate the canary! Find out what turns her on. Explore what gives her the most pleasure. The sky is the limit!

13) Learn to find happiness in simple things. Even if you can’t indulge in a full fledged session take the opportunity to explore your D/s relationship in small ways. Give her a tender foot massage. Kiss her feet before she leaves for work in the morning. Indulge in some loving Goddess worship. Bring her a cup of tea and some cookies while she relaxes and watches her favorite show. Take joy in the little things that reinforce your Mistress/slave relationship.

14) Make a commitment to keeping the romance in your relationship alive. This can be as much of a problem for vanilla relationships as it is for kinky ones. It should be a no-brainer but the hectic demands of our daily lives often obscure the things that matter most to us. Set aside time to spend with each other and make a conscious commitment to stick to that schedule to the best of your ability. It all comes down to priorities. If you don’t prioritize the important things they tend to fall to the bottom of the list and get forgotten. Don’t let that happen to your loving relationship.

15) Communication is essential. Never play the blame game. If communication in your relationship breaks down it can quickly spiral out of control. When this happens, we tend to build a long list of resentments real or imagined against the other person and convince ourselves that all of the problems begin and end on the other side of the fence. We sulk, pull back and shut down. The resentment inside of us festers, boils and becomes toxic. This pattern is a self fulfilling prophecy because the more we allow resentment to take over the more we shut off channels of communication and the possibility of reconciliation. The truth is that problems in a relationship rarely rest solely with one partner. It takes two to tango. Learn to swallow your pride, open your heart and really talk to your partner in an honest, objective, non-confrontational manner about what is bothering you. Accept responsibility for your part in the relationship and be prepared to compromise when you hit a bump in the road. A D/s relationship is similar to a vanilla relationship in this respect except that it can be quite a bit more complicated. Only good communication between both parties can make it successful.

16) Never take her fore granted. Let her know how thankful you are that she is your Mistress. Don’t hesitate to show her your most heartfelt gratitude and devotion. If you have found a Goddess in your life to worship and adore you are the luckiest man in the world. Let her know how much she means to you. Most importantly never let the tender and fragile flame of gratitude die in your own heart.

17) A word about professional dominants. Service providers are wonderful. They provide a very important outlet for millions of men who cannot find a dominant partner to fulfill their needs. If you are lucky enough to form a friendship with one of these amazing women you are probably in for a truly magical experience. Very often they are extremely beautiful, highly intelligent and know exactly what makes a submissive male tick. As a result a relationship with a professional Mistress can become very all consuming and highly addictive to the client. If you are single (and you have disposable income) there is absolutely nothing wrong with following your bliss wherever it leads you. If you are married your situation is a bit more complicated. If you cannot find satisfaction at home a service provider may be the best choice for you. Who knows? You may have a wife who understands you and is willing to turn a blind eye to your seeking satisfaction outside the relationship. Unfortunately for the majority of men, such women are rare. More likely you will have to lie about your outside interests and live a double life. For some this is not a problem. For others it is considerably more difficult. If you are married and you seek satisfaction with a professional dominant it is best to approach the situation with all of the restraint, reserve and maturity you can possibly muster. It can be all too easy to mistake the blissful euphoria of submission for true love. If you cannot be objective about your relationship with your Mistress and you are unable to properly compartmentalize your feelings you may develop an unhealthy fixation on her which is not good for anyone involved. If allowed to go unchecked such an obsession could prove disastrous to your marriage. So have fun out there but be careful!

Illustrations By Sardax


Learning to Serve said...

Great advice, thanks for sharing!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Tom:

Thanks! Great to hear from you! I'm glad you found the guide useful! :-)

All The Best


Susan's Pet said...

I know that I am coming to this blog late, and I don't really know what to expect over time as I read more. However, what you have said here, I may have said myself. I agree with all of it. Many so-called submissive men should read and heed.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Thank you Susan's pet! It's great to hear from other submissive men who are trying to make D/s work in the context of a loving realtionship! :)



Stephen Elliott said...

Wow, this blog is really great. And thanks for writing nice things about my book.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Stephen:

Thanks very much! I really appreciate that and it's great to hear from you! I loved your book. It was very brave and very honest. Also highly original; quite different from anything I have read before or since. I look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks so much for dropping by and saying hello!